broken-in-nc's Diaryland Diary

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Musings from 2008 (March)

March 1, 2008 - Saturday
Happy March! Yay! I got my blue 51 back from Rick. It is so smooth now. He replaced my dry XF with a M one. It has a nice fat ball of iridium on the end. I have it filled with Diamine Mediterranean Blue which matches it perfectly. Plus, the turn around, once he got to my pen was quick. About three weeks after I sent him the check my pen was shipped. I will certainly remember that in the future.

The past few days have been pretty good. Adam and I ran some errands today. We went to ACM so I could get some Easter stamps. I was on a quest for a lamb stamp and some of those swirly clips. I didn’t find my lamb but I found some more clear Easter stamps, a bunny stamp and some sparkly embossing powder. I had looked last year for a bunny stamp just like the one I found. I found my swirly clips too. Yay! We left there and met Ashley at the McDonald’s in Clemmons for lunch. Adam and I both got the square fish. As we were leaving Kevin sent me a picture message. He too had eaten a square fish. Precious.

After lunch we went to the fudge shop beside of the Enchanted Cottage so I could get Kevin a slab of peanut butter fudge for his birthday. We sampled some fudge too. The chocolate peanut butter was quite good and there was one that was chocolate with peppermint patties in it. That was good too. Adam like the Dulce de Leche the best, but I thought it tasted like … nothing. I did find my lamb stamp at the Enchanted Cottage. I also bought my circle punches. I debated getting them. Usually when it comes to stuff like that I like to buy them where I can use a coupon, but they were having a sale on everything. In the end, it was like getting my stamp for “free.” We left the Cottage and motored on to Target. Adam had a left over gift card he wanted to use. He only had about $15 left, but he was able to buy a pair of shorts and two t-shirts. Awe. All I got was some toothpaste and Bounce dryer sheets.

We were on our way back and Kevin called asking what was wrong with the printer. The carriage was stuck to the left. He wasn’t able to un-stick it, so when I got home we check Circuit City’s website for printers and we found one we liked. We went to pick one up, but we didn’t get the one with the fax machine like we looked at online. I also got my car for my camera. Kevin got new cordless phones. Ours are ancient. The printer was easy to set up and the phones were already charged. Yay!

I put my Duke Sapphire on Ebay. I started to put it in the Marketplace, but I though I’d do better on Ebay. I guess we’ll see. I was so exhausted yesterday that I came home, opened my package, played with this pen, ate and went to bed. I got up this morning at 630am. I slept so good that I don’t remember Kevin getting up to go into Adam’s room.

March 5, 2008 - Wednesday
We had some very nasty weather roll through last night. There were a few times that the lights got real dim. I thought for sure we would lose power, but we didn’t. The wind was strong at one time that Kevin came downstairs from our bedroom and we went down to the basement until the storm passed. We were in a tornado watch until midnight. The cats were acting squirrely. Something was definitely close. We didn’t stay downstairs for very long. It was about 9pm so we were tired and we went to bed. We had Adam sleep with us, just in case.

The past two days have been just wonderful. On Monday I bought some pansies. Adam’s after school tutoring started on Monday. We thought it didn’t start until next month. Kevin had to leave to give someone an estimate and called to tell me that Adam still had not made it home. Here we were planning his punishment and the poor kid was at school waiting for one of us to pick him up. I had to leave work immediately to go and get him. I felt horrible about it so under unfortunate circumstances I was able to come home early and plant my pansies before the sun went down. Poor Adam. He said he told someone, “Awe man. My parents don’t know I have tutoring today. They’re gonna be mad because I didn’t come straight home.” Kevin will get him this week, but I guess we’ll have to play it by ear for now. The schedule changed. It is not Monday through Thursday instead of only two days a week. I can’t leave early every day for a month and a half. HE will have enough hours before Saturday school starts so that’s good. Oh and by the way the letter we got with Adam’s schedule does clearly say that it starts March 3. Good grief.

I have a meeting with Denise and Shannon in the morning. I am certain it has to do with the email I sent out on Monday telling everyone that they didn’t have to sign things in with Shannon anymore. It was Denise’s stupid idea. She was filling out an assignment sheet and asked me about it. I wouldn’t have sent out a mass email if she hadn’t decided to stop doing it. Anyway, after I sent the email out she said that there still needs to be a sign in book. I said we didn’t need a second book. I have my book that I maintain. We don’t need a stupid second one and I don’t want people writing in my book and jacking it all up. I hate being micromanaged. This is so stupid and it is not efficient.

Kevin is about finished with our deck. It’s gonna look nice when it’s done. He really ticked me off tonight though. I had asked him what was for dinner and he told me, but he wanted me to come home and fix it. You have lost your mind. I told him, “So you’ve been home all day and you want me to fix dinner when I come home?” It ain’t happening. You better learn to multi-task. He went on and on about the definition of a wife and mother. Oh yes. I told him that’s only viable if you’re a stay home mom. Anyway, I didn’t leave work until 530pm. I told him I was moving out. He thinks I’m joking. I’m tired of his double standard. If I were home all day you better believe he would’ve expected me to fix dinner. Even if I were sick and puking, which would be the only reason I’d be home anyway. I got home and he was outside. It was already 6pm. I suggested Chinese for dinner. Kevin and I looked for Adam, I knew he’d want to go eat Chinese food, and we found him at Hunter’s. He was going to go with us, but he changed his mind and decided to stay with Hunter until we came back.

We didn’t go to the Chinese buffet, but we did go to Jimmy the Greek’s. It was nice to have dinner alone. I needed the peace and quiet and so did he. They ran out of baklava. Hey. At least I didn’t have to make dinner.

March 12, 2008 - Wednesday
I’ve had terrible past few days so much so that I’ve not cared to write about any of it until I had some time to think things through. In a nutshell my self esteem one day went from back to normal to right back to nothing two days later. Apparently someone at work is still too paranoid to allow me to sign in and prioritize my work. Denise will not let folks manage their own and it’s really ticking people off. Namely me. I went from feeling like I’d accomplished something to feeling like nothing so when people attempted to put work in my inbox I had to tell them to sign it in with Shannon. When they asked why I could only think of one thing to say and that was “Because someone still thinks I’m not competent enough to do it on my own.” Jason is so fed up with this whole thing. Folks in general hate having to walk clear to the back of the office to sign in work when I’m sitting right there. I guess being micromanaged is far more important than department efficiency. “People in the department are afraid things will not go out on time,” Denise said at our little meeting the other day. “Who? Who are these people?” I asked. She could say nothing because she is “these people” and then had the nerve to say that things can’t be left in my inbox overnight. I’m sorry. I’ve been there all day. I’m not staying there all night because someone brought their stuff to me at the last minute. I do have a family that I want to see for more than two hours a night. ECS can kiss my butt. I just don’t care anymore. You take a person’s responsibility away like that, question their ability, and then you got a lot of nerve asking someone to go above and beyond.

I got my blue Esterbrook J today. I stayed home because I woke up with a migraine. Truth be told I needed a break from work. I about packed my stuff up yesterday and left. I’m tired of doing it all for everyone else. I went back to ease up Kevin’s burdens, but enough is enough. I can’t take being degraded and belittled any longer. I do like this pen though. I filled it with Private Reserve Tanzanite. Perfect match.

March 14, 2008 - Friday
I had breakfast with Adam this morning. That was great! We had muffins, grapes and juice. It was nice to spend just that extra 15 minutes with him this morning for Breakfast with Mom.

Things were slow at work today which was fine by me because I didn’t have much motivation to do much anyway. I went to Arby’s for lunch with Ashley. Yay! The Arby’s Hussy isn’t there anymore. The lady that is there now lets you keep your coupons. We love her.

Kevin has me about ready to leave. It’s one thing after another. Business is slow. Then find something else. I told him not to put too much into my interview at Mactec. He’s talking about moving. Why are we doing all of this housework for if you’re going to move? I’m not going anywhere. I have worked too hard for this to leave it for someone else to have. Just like us not going to LCC anymore. I don’t understand why he thinks switching churches is going to help. If people are asking him work related things at LCC why would anywhere else be different? As soon as we go to another church and folks find out what he does for a living he’ll be right back where he started. He’s just pissy lately. Yesterday he threw this tantrum when he came home. Slamming doors and threatening to leave because no one appreciates him. Grow up. I left work early to pick up Adam from school and had intended to spend time with Kevin on our deck like we had discussed via text message basically all day, but Kevin ruined that. I have an attitude? I was fixing our roasted chicken and the first thing you tell me after not seeing me all week is “PU! Those lemons stink!” The first thing you say to Adam, who had been asking all week “When is Dad coming home?” is “Clean up the basement.” I have an attitude? Dude. What’s your problem? After all of that I had to go outside. I was so mad and upset with him that I had to do some yard work.

I planted the bleeding heart plant. I checked on the peonies and their little red tops have emerged. Things are finally coming around and then finally Kevin got his senses about him and because civil again. Of course the chicken was so good it made you wanna slap your grandma.

My red Estie came yesterday. One of the tips on the tines was missing, but everything else is great. It just needed a good flushing. Someone sure loved blue ink. Tonight I snapped the other piece off and ground the nib down to a stub. It’s not bad actually. I had looked at some nibs today. The nib on it is actually the one I want. It’s a 2668, which is a firm medium.

I picked up my stuff at Walmart to make my Peeps in Jar. I forgot the most critical part - the jars. I had called Cristy earlier to tell her that Walmart had all of the Peeps Bunny colors. She was having a hard time finding any color other than yellow. I called her back when I realized I forgot my jars. Ha! She forgot hers too! Great minds think alike. She found her jars. I’m going to get mine tomorrow. I’m meeting Carin at Panera for orange scones and coffee and also to give her the stuff she ordered from my Tastefully Simple party. I’ll get my jars while I’m out.

I ordered some plants from Spring Hill Nursery. The plants will be shipped at the end of this month. I got a Black Knight Butterfly Bush, Black-Eyed Susans, lavender and some purple hydrangeas. I had a $25 off coupon so I’m getting a bunch of plants for less than $40 shipped. I can’t wait to get them.

March 28, 2008 - Friday
I haven't written in my journal since the 14th. I've been too messed up to compose a simple thought. I saw Dr. Neal this morning. I almost didn't go. Things at work have been so stressful that I think it's probably been at least two weeks since Kevin and I have had sex. Sorry Kevin, not in the mood. Lately I've just been really down in the dumps. I've been getting treated like dirt at work. I come home from that and instead of a "Hi honey how was your day?" I get blasted for not wanting to have sex or because the lemons stink, or any other thing that is not to his liking. It's no different than being at work. No one gives a rip about you. No one asks you how you are doing before asking you if "that report went out" or "did you call the client." I just know that I've really not been this miserable in a long time. In one day I went from slightly hopeful back to hopeless. My fertile window is closing. Last night I was about to ask Kevin if I should ask Dr. Neal about my fertility issues when he yelled at me for going to Borders after dinner. Maybe if I weren't so frickin' depressed because I'm less than perfect I wouldn't feel the need to impulse shop. Besides, I bought a magazine, pen and a gardening book. It was on the clearance rack for $2.99. He said he's never been so miserable? You don't know miserable. Miserable is waiting to have another baby with your husband because you know that one day his son is going to move in with him and you don't want to over burden your husband with three kids, so you wait. Miserable is waiting and then when your husband's son does come to live with him, although through unfortunate circumstances, putting your life on hold because you don't want him to feel left out. Miserable is realizing that, after three years, two moves and two school systems you missed out on doing things with your own son because you didn't want to make anyone feel left out from the weekend trips you used to take because you know they would've just moped and pouted and drug their feet because we walked too far, so we just didn't go anywhere; that after those three years you accomplished nothing but hard times, stress and frustration only for him to later return to his mother, the source of the trouble; that in those three years had the stress not been there knowing you may have conceived a child that may have brought you and your husband closer together. Miserable is getting up every weekday morning and going to work knowing your boss wants your department to sign in your work assignments in with another admin so that she can bring the work to you and keep track of your progress because apparently you're incapable of doing it yourself.

I could go on. Don't tell me you're miserable without understanding that I am degraded every day at work and then every day when I come home from work. I can do nothing right. Nothing. I'm damned if I do or don't. And you have the balls to say "you know what's going on" because I won't have sex with you? I have no desire what so ever. Can you imagine why? And I for only a moment did feel only slightly hopeful when I did finally ask you about asking my doctor about my fertility issues and you said, "Yes." I should have known that feeling would only be temporary. Tonight when you were asked to not mix our bath towels with our clothes you told me where I could go and that you wanted a divorce. I'm the one who needs to be medicated? I don't think so. You see those ads for depression. They give you the symptoms and then you mock me and dare me to say something about it. The commercial is telling you right there how I feel. I will have to commit myself to get you to see that this is serious. Your financial security is more important than my mental health and my physical being. Even Dr. Neal said, "I can't cure all of your trouble at work with a pill." I'm just tired of living my life to please you. I have failed you as a wife. I can't even have kids on my own, so don't tell me you're miserable. You've endured two weeks. I have endured 11 years.

March 29, 2008 - Saturday
Happy Birthday Adam! I hope you had a great birthday. I hope you enjoyed the crab legs at the Chinese food buffet and that Sierra got to go too. It's hard to believe you are 11 years old. You are growing up way too fast!

Kevin sent me a text this morning. How could he think I'd just forget about the things he said last night? In a nutshell I told him that he couldn't make love because he doesn't love me. I told him I knew he had feelings for me, but he doesn't love me. He said he does. I need him to prove that to me. I don't know how, but I need that reassurance from him. He asked if tomorrow we could "make L" and I said, "Maybe." Well, now we can't if I wanted to. Standing in line at CVS, waiting to get my prescription of Prometrium, I got my dot. I knew I should've waited. Oh well. I'm sure I'll need it in the next few months. So today is CD1. I took my first EPO pill tonight. I'm supposed to take it during my dot. It helps to make EWCM of which I have none. I can only think of a few times I've had it. I just hope that this time with medical help we won't have to wait long. I am excited to see Kevin tomorrow. Right now I'm just taking it day by day.

I rejoined Just Mommies (JM) for moral support and dug up my password at Fertility Friend (FF) to keep track of things. I may try charting again so I can find out what my body is doing.

2:40 p.m. - Thursday, Sept. 10, 2009

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